Achy morning

I am quite sure he would tell me to regard this mornings aches and pains as an extra reward for being a good girl, that is simply the kind of Bastard he is. On the other hand, it could also be the punishment for finding me lazy in bed at noon, then again sharing that fact with a relatively large group of people by displaying his property and select form of torture with live pictures, could again be considered both a reward and a punishment.

In some respect it is the essence of his ownership of me, the balance between pain and pleasure.

One thing I do know is that it would be advisable to keep my body in good shape, almost every part of my body aches from his use of me – but the expression on my face is actually a smile.

Like a shower in the desert

It only takes a few minutes for the world to fade away, his presence filling every space around me, his voice seeping into my mind, like rare water in the desert, the moisture wakening the aching flesh displayed to him. He fills the twitching tightness, strokes long and hard, holding back is not and option, he takes pride in bringing me there, surrendered and claimed, owned and possessed and used in a way that will be felt long after. The heat and wetness competing with the shower, the dull ache stopping the world frequently, making me smile when it does. My whole body seemingly lighter, secured in leather cuffs.

Still now, I am in that quiet safe place, for once just me and the touch of Him, soothing my soul and resting, free in my chains, free as only he can make me.

Thoughts

At times the hardest thing for me to do, is to stop thinking. I know I really should, and I do my best. But as the days gets shorter, the days darker and the nights colder, it get harder still.

I recognize the pattern, the pleaser in me turning against me, questioning if after having had so much, is it fair to still want more….. but I do and I can not do anything but hold on to that fact, I can be nothing but the nothing he makes me.

I felt the need for my cuffs today, while shopping with the girls up town. I discovered that the new style in jewellery would “hide” them well in general public. It made me smile at first, but then I could not help but wonder why I would ever feel a need to “hide” them at all.

I have to stop thinking

Home

As lovely as it is, to travel and see old friends and new, home is where things are right. Home is my reality, the world that is mine and although I carry Master with me every single step I take in life, I am still strangely uncomfortable when I am not surrounded by him the way I am here.

Distance is a strange thing, my travels actually brought me closer to him for a short while, in miles and in the community that understands his presence in a way few do and yet that only made me miss him even more. The nights in strange beds, alone in the dark, the idle turning of my collar almost becoming a tick, being fully dressed most of the time and having to stay on top of all this that and the other all the time.

A couple of nights before returning home I was dreaming, what seemed like the whole night through, the puppy me curled up at his feet, my tail slowly tapping the floor as I was licking his ankles, rubbing my nose against the edge of his shoes, almost desperately begging for his hand to drop down and touch me, I heard a faint whimpering but I could not figure out if I was the one making the sound, as sad as I was I refused to wake up, I just wanted to stay there, at his feet, feeling the heat from his body close to me, knowing inside that he was there.

Now I am finally “landing” here, the white shirt keeping me warm like nothing else can, the chains on the wall behind the bed rattling gently when I push them by accident when moving on my pillows. He is everywhere here, it is his home and I belong here

Airport security

Walking through the security gate at Copenhagen airport of course my collar set off the alarm. Now here is me thinking that the male security guy will have one of those metal detector things that he will run down my body to check, and being the friendly one I am, I directed him to my collar telling him that it was the culprit.

He smiled, then directed to step up on a small platform on the floor, and it would appear that they don’t have those metal detector things out there, so he had a proper feel of my whole body, me facing him at first, then he asked me to turn around and he had another feel from the back.

Now I think I got just a tad flustered, said that I would have taken it off if I could, to which he replies “well I guess it would have to be cut off, and that would not be a good idea would it”

No it would not…….

Retail therapy

I am not a great believer in this form of practice, but while sorting out a few things up town I let my thoughts wander to the upcoming trip, to hopefully get to see quite a few of the scene people I used to see more regularly. Walking around, passing the clothes shops I was thinking of what to pack, and what to wear. Airports, planes and trains calls for something relatively comfortable, but at the same time I need to watch the line and not get too comfortable.

So I did get a couple of little extras for the trip – fishnet holdup stockings, a skirt that will barely cover my arse and for some odd reason a pair of bright green jeans, a touch of spring I guess.

I know Masters preferences regarding clothing, but running around naked in London is probably taking it too far, so on the list is tight jeans, white shirt and corset – short skirt, the black shirt he picked for me and fishnet stockings. Damn things gets complicated when the uniform does not suffice.

It has dawned on me that the kind of panicky rumble inside me has to do with the fact that I am going to be away from him for four days. I know it seems silly since he is miles away always, but here at home, where his eyes can follow me when he wants, where he can stop me dead in my tracks with just one word, where he can scare the living daylight out of me by suddenly sitting right in front of me – here he IS, present in every part of my day.

Still I keep him with me, I make sure, that even though I am out of sight for a while, I always do my best to make him proud.

Autumn mood and travels

For some reason my mood seems to fit the weather – it is grey and gloomy. The past couple of weeks have been filled with worry and a lot of support activity, trying to be there for 3 close friends dealing with very severe health issues. In times like this I am pushed into a role where I have to take charge all the time, stand straight and let people lean on me. I am proud of the fact that I am able to be there for people when they need it, but at the same time it does exhaust me some and I can not seem to gain access to the pool of strength I usually rely on.

It is as if my life is caught in a kind of turmoil, my hands grasping the air and my feet unsteady on the ground. I know it is only temporary, but I just can not see the end of it yet. I need my chains at night, the secure bond that holds me together and centres my strength.

Only two days to go and I will be on my way to the UK, I am looking so much forward to seeing old friends again and to actually be in London for the Fetish weekend, so I will get to go to the LAM too, that should be a feast. With a bit of luck I will manage to find something worthwhile to do on my birthday too. If I had a choice of what to do I would jump on a train and go see Master, but as close as I will be to him we are still too far apart for that to be feasible. Still the idea of wrapping myself up in a box and dropping it on his doorstep seem to be the most perfect birthday thing to do.